Life is Hard TV

Not that there’s anything wrong with Hawaii. It’s simply being disqualified. Too easy. Too visited. Too…Obama. Let’s just say up front that Hawaii and all its stuff is amazing and blah, etc.: humid outdoor airports, gift shop macadamia nuts, Road-to-Hana family vomiting, and lobbies way too breezy for the carnival of a sarong someone talked you into wearing to breakfast (free orange juice when everyone sees your underwear and you cry).

1.) Sea Island, Georgia

It’s a testament to the state of U.S. geographical enthusiasm that whenever I hear someone talk about Georgia, I assume they mean the ex-Soviet one. But no. Sea Island is an isolated resort destination off the coast of southern Georgia the state. It’s actually part of a larger group of islands known as the Golden Isles of Georgia, which include Jekyll Island (and its renowned split personality clinic), St. Simons Island (which lost its apostrophe in a hurricane), and Little St. Simons Island (which…just doesn’t sound right). Sea Island’s most famous resort is known as The Cloisters, featuring attractions like golf, spa treatments, skeet shooting, and sumptuous apology banquets for all the people who accidentally shot one another. All-in-all, The Cloisters is a marvelously scenic, tranquil retreat where “guests are encouraged to do everything – or nothing at all.” Anything in between will get you immediately escorted off the premises.

2.) Kodiak Island, Alaska

Now here’s a place that will change you. Rugged. Awe-inspiring. As dangerous as it is…dangerous. (I’m sorry but there’s a bear named after it.) Yet Alaska’s Kodiak Island is also home to nature walks, whale watching, incredible salmon fishing (which I’ll hunt anyone who takes part in), and breathtaking “fjord-like bays” (never trust a bay that’s only “like” a fjord. It’ll turn on you in a heartbeat). Kodiak does have a Visitors’ Bureau  (which is encouraging) and it is among the largest of all U.S. islands (second only to those lei-loving who shall not be named). For those interested in learning more, the aforementioned Visitors’ Bureau generously provides a list of—and this is not a joke—75 Things to Do on Kodiak Island. If you show up, the locals will have a 76^th.

3.) St. Croix

I’m only choosing one of the Virgin Islands (although there are 72 of them) and I’m choosing the island of St. Croix for several reasons. For one thing I can’t pronounce it, and yes the x is inherently cool. St. Croix’s official website refers to it as America’s Caribbean Paradise, so: tropical, closer than Bermuda, and far less famous for existentially kidnapping passers-by (poor Amelia). But the number one reason I like St. Croix is that it is, all told: a Caribbean island; a country; an unincorporated territory of the United States; and a constituent district of the United States. (It prefers to think of itself as a loner.) Also the capital of St. Croix is located in St. Thomas—which yes, is a whole different country. I know of nowhere else that’s pulled that off. U.S. Virgin Island tourism officials would also like to remind people that all the scheduled hiking, camping, rum distilling, wood carving,  and other Deliverance activities would be taking place “wrapped up in the safety, security, and efficiency of the American flag.” I’m not sure why that statement also bothers me, but it does.

4.) Serranilla Bank

Here’s a little unknown island, not too far from Jamaica, that I can’t help but include for its sweetly sad description: “a partially-submerged reef in the western Caribbean Sea with some small uninhabited islets.” Doesn’t sound like much, but dear Serranilla has been on the map since way back in 1510, and it’s odd, and it’s ours….

Well, mostly. It seems Serranilla has long been disputed and we may have stolen it. It also turns out that Colombia and Jamaica (neither country known for their drugs) have long maintained a formal agreement permitting one another to hang out around poor semi-submerged Serranilla—its rocky peaks struggling, like we all, against the rising waters—and more recently entered into a quietly drawn up “delimitation treaty” that established a “Joint Regime Area” allowing both countries to “exploit living and non-living resources.” I think I speak for all 24 fans when I say, Exploit what?!

5.) Bald Head Island, North Carolina

Bald Head Island would be the perfect place to have a laugh-riot, mid-life crisis, Sex and the City-style girlfriends’ weekend away. It allows no cars (which most women find creepy); nearly all of the residents are the retired elderly (silently emerging from fogbanks in modified golf carts); it was the primary shooting location for Weekend at Bernie’s (featuring a corpse) and The Butcher’s Wife (featuring Demi Moore’s acting); and it is ominously located on the east side of…the Cape Fear River. It’s remote. And bog-filled. And the girls’ weekend would be fantastic because women excel at schadenfreude. Someone would fall in a bog, learn a lesson, break a heel, meet a man with priorities, or come upon a shriveled old lady who’s cryptic advice makes them rethink everything they’ve done since 1991. What more could you ask from an island.

So, when planning your next domestic island getaway just remember: Persons born on Serranilla Bank are considered U.S. nationals but not U.S. citizens. (Plus it’s partially submerged. Either way try not to give birth there.) But otherwise look into this island stuff—it’s interesting in a Who knew? kind of way. Our great nation has an island called Poker Hill, an island called Panic Rock, and a place called Houseboat Island (which somehow or other is in Arizona). If anyone listening has money, please god go to Kentucky’s Big Bone Island and build a fat farm there. And if absolutely none of this sounds appealing to you in the slightest way, there’s always Hawaii.

Travel hard, my friends.